There Is, In Fact, An Incredible Freedom

• Eating Disorders Are Addictions. You Become Addicted To A Number Of Their Effects. The Two Most Basic And Important: The Pure Adrenaline That Kicks In When You're Starving—you're High As A Kite, Sleepless, Full Of A Frenetic, Unstable Energy—and The Heightened Intensity Of Experience That Eating Disorders Initially Induce. At First, Everything Tastes And Smells Intense, Tactile Experience Is Intense, Your Own Drive And Energy Themselves Are Intense And Focused. Your Sense Of Power Is Very, Very Intense. You Are Not Aware, However, That You Are Quickly Becoming Addicted.

I Do Not Remember Very Many Things From The Inside Out. I Do Not Remember What It Felt Like To Touch Things, Or How Bathwater Traveled Over My Skin. I Did Not Like To Be Touched, But It Was A Strange Dislike. I Did Not Like To Be Touched Because I Craved It Too Much. I Wanted To Be Held Very Tight So I Would Not Break. Even Now, When People Lean Down To Touch Me, Or Hug Me, Or Put A Hand On My Shoulder, I Hold My Breath. I Turn My Face. I Want To Cry.

You Can Only Whine For So Long. Then You Need To Get Your Life Back.

There Was A Time When I Was Unable To Get Out Of Bed Because My Body, Its Muscles Eating Themselves Away, Refused To Sit Up. There Was A Time When The Lies Rolled Off My Tongue With Ease, When It Was Far More Important To Me To Self-destruct Than To Admit I Had A Problem, Let Alone Allow Anyone To Help.

I Either Want To Be Completely Recovered Or Completely Emaciated. It's The In Between That I Can't Stand, The Limbo Of Failure Where You Know That You Haven't Done Your Best At One Or The Other: Dying Or Living.