The Squirrel In My Yard Really Knows

What I've Learned About Comedy People Is That They're Defined By The Harshest Level They've Been To, Their Personal Auschwitz.

If Someone Sprays Windex In Your Food It Can Give You Diarrhea. But Once You Wipe It Off Your Windows, You're Fine.

Just Went To A Lovely Catholic Wedding. I Need A Drink. They Didn't Even Offer Us Water. Well They Did, But It Was Holy Water.

When You Have A Good Time There Is No Time.

Oil Is Sixty Dollars A Barrel. There Are Terrorists Everywhere. We Have A Catastrophe In Our World Every Ten Minutes. I Don't Know How Anybody's Getting Through Anything. Right Now, People Just Need To Be Entertained.