The Reason We Have Few Friends In

I Like Doing A Funny Show Where I Don't Have To Act And Fall In Love With A Girl.

I Have Always Loved Las Vegas. It's A Traditional Place For Lounge Comics To Perform, And I Love That.

I Want You To Buy This Pit Bull. This Will Protect Your Valuables.' I Don't Own Anything Very Valuable. If I Buy The Pit Bull, That Would Be The Most Valuable Thing I Own. I'd Have To Buy Something To Protect It Then.

Stand-up Has The Best Writers, Because It's The Hardest Writing By A Million Miles.

Last Christmas, I Got The Worst Gift A Guy Ever Gave Me. He Gave Me A Lottery Ticket... What's The Guy Even Thinking There. Here You Go... Nothing! Merry Christmas! It's Nothing!