The Last Person To Get Across That

Should I Eat This Or Should I Eat This? Well, I'll Have To Eat Both!

That's The Funny Thing About Religion: It Doesn't Matter What You Say, You're Going To Upset Someone.

I Think One Reason People Play Golf Is It Allows Them To Obsess About Something Other Than The Daily Crap. It Takes Your Mind Off That.

When You Compare Christmas To Hanukkah, There's No Comparison. Christmas Is Great. Hanukkah Sucks! First Night You Get Socks. Second Night, An Eraser, A Notebook. It's A Back-to-school Holiday!

I Don't Care Who Wins Because I Go To Sporting Events To Scream. It's The One Place On The Planet You Can Shout Anything You Want. You Can Bellow At Will, And Nobody Will Bother You. I Yell Things Like, 'my Life Sucks! Dan Quayle Is A Schmuck! If I Don't Have Sex Soon, I'm Going To Explode!' Parents Turn To Their Kids As I Leave The Stadium And Go, 'hey, There Goes A Great Fan.