The First Time I Did Stand-up Was

I Always Look At Myself Knowing That I Will Have A Certain Degree Of Cognitive Distortion.

Guess What, Martin Luther King? I Had A Dream, Too.

I Have No Religion. But Culturally I Can't Escape It; I'm Very Jewish.

I Am Diagnosed With Not Having Enough Insanely-addictive Drugs Coursing Through My Body.

And Then Before Going Back For My Sophomore Year, I Decided To Change My Major To Arts And Sciences, And My Dad Cut A Deal With Me: He Said If I'd Quit School He'd Pay My Rent For The Next Three Years, As If I Were In School.