Television Is A Runaway Train That You

I Don't Weigh Myself. I Just Go By If My Clothes Fit. I Try Not To Participate Too Much In The Incredible Amount Of Wasted Energy That Women Have Around Dealing With Food. I Just Feel Like Being Healthy Is Sort Of A Job Requirement To Be On Tv, And Being A Writer Is So Much Coping With Fatigue And Stress, And You Just Eat. You Eat To Stay Awake.

I Never Dreamed I Would Receive The Mark Twain Prize For American Humor, Mostly Because My Style Is So Typically Austrian.

When Actors Are Too Good-looking, I Can’t Memorize Them. For Example, I Have Never Seen A Picture Of Sienna Miller Where I Didn’t Say, “that Girl’s Pretty. Who Is That?

Now Every Girl Is Expected To Have: Caucasian Blue Eyes, Full Spanish Lips, A Classic Button Nose, Hairless Asian Skin With A California Tan, A Jamaican Dance Hall Ass, Long Swedish Legs, Small Japanese Feet, The Abs Of A Lesbian Gym Owner, The Hips Of A Nine-year-old Boy, The Arms Of Michelle Obama, And Doll Tits. The Person Closest To Actually Achieving This Look Is Kim Kardashian, Who, As We Know, Was Made By Russian Scientists To Sabotage Our Athletes.

It’s The Same Reason I Don’t Get Hooters. Why Do We Need To Enjoy Chicken Wings And Boobies At The Same Time? Yes, They Are A Natural And Beautiful Part Of The Human Experience. And So Are Boobies. But Why At The Same Time?