Stand By Your Bed And Salute Me.

I Hated The Summer Jobs I Had When I Was A Teenager. They Were So Mundane And Repetitious, They Deadened My Soul. On The Bright Side, It Was Good Training For This Job.

Clay Aiken Ran For Congress In North Carolina. But He Didn't Make It. Clay Aiken Is Famous For Coming In Second In A Tv Popularity Contest That Most People Got Fed Up With Years Ago. He Also Lost On 'american Idol.'

Happy Cinco De Mayo. If You Don't Know What That Means, Maybe You're A Little Out Of Touch - Or Maybe You're The Governor Of Arizona.

A Casino In South Dakota Was Robbed By A Man Dressed As A Mummy. The Police Described The Suspect As Anywhere Between 25 And 8,000 Years Old.

I Am The Saudi Arabia Of Unhappiness. I Have So Many Reserves Of Misery That You Wouldn't Understand. I Actually Think That's Part Of Why I Connect With Canadians. I Think They Understand Grinding Misery Underneath.