So Far, The Only Major Accomplishment Of

The Key To The U.n.'s Global Warming Study Was Man's Use Of Aerosol Spray. You Have To Know The French Were Involved In A Study Concluding That Arrid Extra Dry Is Destroying The Earth. In A World In Which Everyone Smelled, The French Would Be At No Disadvantage. Aerosol Spray. How Convenient.

I Promise You: No American Whose Great-grandfather Was Born Here Is Watching Soccer. One Can Only Hope That, In Addition To Learning English, These New Americans Will Drop Their Soccer Fetish With Time.

I Would Rank George Washington As America's Greatest President, But He Only Had To Defeat What Was Then The World's Greatest Military Power With A Ragtag Group Of Irregulars And Some Squirrel Guns, Whereas Ronald Reagan Had To Defeat Liberals.

Teddy Kennedy's Big New Idea Is To Wheel Out His 18th Proposal To Raise The Minimum Wage. He's Been Doing This Since Wages Were Paid In Spanish Doubloons (which Coincidentally Are Now Mostly Found Underwater). Kennedy Refuses To Countenance Any Risky Schemes Like Trying To Grow The Economy So People Making Minimum Wage Get Raises Because They've Been Promoted. Kennedy's Going Down And He's Taking The Party With Him! (recognize The Pattern?)

When Liberals Start Acting Like They're Opposed To Pre-marital Sex And Mothers Having Careers, You Know Mccain's Vice Presidential Choice Has Knocked Them Back On Their Heels.