My Life Is Perfect Even When It's

Standup Is More Me Talking The Entire Time. There's Definitely An Exchange Of Energy Because That Room, That Audience, Is Giving Back.

Human Beings Only Use Ten Percent Of Their Brains. Ten Percent! Can You Imagine How Much We Could Accomplish If We Used The Other Sixty Percent?

Start Thinking Positively. You Will Notice A Difference. Instead Of 'i Think I'm A Loser,' Try 'i Definitely Am A Loser.' Stop Being Wishy-washy About Things! How Much More Of A Loser Can You Be If You Don't Even Know You Are One? Either You Are A Loser Or You Are Not. Which Is It, Stupid?

I'm So Unfamiliar With The Gym, I Call It James!

Catch-and-release, That's Like Running Down Pedestrians In Your Car And Then, When They Get Up And Limp Away, Saying -- 'off You Go! That's Fine. I Just Wanted To See If I Could Hit You.'