One Never Realizes How Different A Husband

Most Children's First Words Are 'mama' Or 'daddy.' Mine Were, 'do I Have To Use My Own Money?'

Let Me Put It This Way. According To My Girth, I Should Be A Ninety-foot Redwood.

A Friend Doesn't Go On A Diet Because You Are Fat. A Friend Never Defends A Husband Who Gets His Wife An Electric Skillet For Her Birthday. A Friend Will Tell You She Saw Your Old Boyfriend -- And He's A Priest.

When A Child Is Locked In The Bathroom With Water Running And He Says He's Doing Nothing But The Dog Is Barking, Call 911.

I Was Too Old For A Paper Route, Too Young For Social Security And Too Tired For An Affair.