Newt Gingrich Was Campaigning At A Zoo

I Want To Just Take A Moment To Thank The Teabaggers. Thank You So Much For Helping Us Pass Health Care, For Resurrecting The Obama Presidency. I Know They're Saying, 'why Are You Thanking Me? I Was So Against It, I Marched On Washington With Tea Bags Hanging Off My Founding Fathers Costume, With A Gun On My Hip And A Picture Of Obama Dressed As Hitler, Screaming About His Birth Certificate.' And America Saw That And Said, 'i Think I'll Go With The Calm Black Man.'

Let's Make A Law That Gay People Can Have Birthdays, But Straight People Get More Cake - You Know, To Send The Right Message To Kids.

They Are Having A Panel Look Into The Intelligence Failures In Iraq. It Is A Seven-person Panel And It Will Include Senator John Mccain, But The Findings From This Panel Will Not Be Issued Until After The Election. President Bush Says The Commission Can Go Off And Report Back In A Year, You Know, The Same Way It Works In The Texas National Guard.

When You Get People Who Are Out Of Office, Suddenly Their Tongues Loosen Up And Suddenly They Say The Things That You Wish They'd Said Or Did When They Were In Office.

Sarah Palin Has Already Had An Effect On Foreign Relations... The New President Of Pakistan, Ali Zardari, Is In Hot Water, Because Last Week, Sarah Was On A Class Trip To New York, Where She Met Foreign Leaders... And One Of The Leaders She Met Was Zardari, And He Was Gushing Over Her. He Said, Oh, You're More Gorgeous In Person Than You Are On Tv. And So The People In His Home Country Of Pakistan, The Islamists, They Issued A Fatwa On Him, For Being Too 'flirty.' And When Sarah Today Was Told That Zardari Had Gotten A Fatwa Because Of Her, She Said, 'i Know, I Felt It When He Hugged Me.'