My Number-one Theory In Life Is That

Just Like My Straight Friends, I Am Repeatedly Asked When I Plan To Have Kids, And Have Been Told Many Times, By Various Branches Of My Bloodline, That "even Lesbians Can Have Babies These Days."

I Always Was Really Confident About Myself, About My Voice, Myself As A Person, My Body, All Of Those Things, But As A Songwriter - I Just Didn't Identify As A Songwriter At All.

In Moments When I Question If I Should Be Having Kids, I Think Of All Those Phone Calls From My Sister-in-law, In Which, 3,000 Miles Away, I Hear My Nephews Screaming For Her Attention. I Tell Her I Have To Go Because I Am Packing To Leave For Europe, And Her Tone Flatlines: "that Must Be Nice."

I'm On A Diet. It's Very Strict: All Hot Dogs. Just Sausages, Constantly. It's Working Out - I've Gained Fifteen Pounds!

My Mother Told Me Homer Ditto Was Not My Father. Nope. Mom Had Had A Fling With Some Other Guy Who Was My Dad. Some Dude Who Didn't Stick Around Too Long Who Mom Was Happy To Get Rid Of. She Chose Homer, And Homer Chose Me, So He Lent Me His Name Even Though I Didn't Have His Blood.