My New Years Resolution? I Will Be

Whenever You Correct Someone's Grammar Just Remember That Nobody Likes You.

What Kind Of Life Are You Leading Where You Consider Ketchup Fancy? "well, We Ain't Rich Folk, But On Special Occasions, I'll Break Out The Ketchup. Grandma's Birthday, Make Her Feel Special"

I Think Comedians Get Too Much Credit Or Too Much Criticism For The Style Of Comedy They Do, And They Generally Do The Style Of Comedy That Works For Them. [...] There's No Kind Of Shrewd Calculation Going Into The Type Of Standup We All Do. It's Like David Cross Is Supposed To Be Doing The David Cross' Type Of Standup.

I'm Bald, Blind And Pale. I'm Like A Gigantic Recessive Gene.

Bacon's The Best, Even The Frying Of Bacon Sounds Like An Applause.