London Seems To Be A Town With

Everyone Just Did What Their Parents Did. So That Immediately Made Me Skeptical Of The Whole Religion Thing, Even As A Kid. So I Never Was Really Into Religion As A Concept.

She Broke Up With Me. Didn't Really Tell Me Why. Luckily When You're The Guy, You Can Just Tell People She's Crazy. 'hey, Tom, I Heard You And Lucy Broke Up.' 'yeah, Man. Turns Out, She's Crazy.' That's What They Always Do On Entourage.

One Of My Life Goals Is To Be A Best Man. It's A Baller Position. You Get Drunk, You Make Speeches, And You Make Love To The Prettiest Bridesmaid, Usually Standing From Behind.

I Know When Someone That's Not You Tries To Tell Your Story, Especially When You Don't Look Like The Person Whose Story You're Trying To Tell, You're Going To Screw It Up. And The Only Way To Get It Right Is To Have Them Be As Involved As Possible.

What's Cool About Twitter Is That You Can Make A Joke About Something Very Of-the-moment Or Random That I Wouldn't Be Able To Joke About In Stand-up.