It Was As Relaxing As Being Tickled.

I Have A Pathological Terror Of Falling Through Ice. I Nearly Drowned Once. I Fell Off A Boat And Got A Cramp, And Was Rescued By An Oil-rig Diver, A Great Bear Of A Man Who Simply Leant Into The Water And Scooped Me Out With One Finger.

If You're Thinking Of Coming To America, This Is What It's Like: You've Got Your Comfort Inn, You've Got Your Best Western, And You've Got Your Red Lobster Where You Eat. Everybody's Very Fat, Everybody's Very Stupid And Everybody's Very Rude - It's Not A Holiday Programme, It's The Truth.

The Only Person To Ever Look Good In The Back Of A 4-seater Convertible Was Adolf Hitler

Supercars Are Supposed To Run Over Arthur Scargill And Then Run Over Him Again For Good Measure. They Are Designed To Melt Ice Caps, Kill The Poor, Poison The Water Table, Destroy The Ozone Layer, Decimate Indigenous Wildlife, Recapture The Falkland Islands And Turn The Entire Third World Into A Huge Uninhabitable Desert, All That Before They Nicked All The Oil In The World.

I Wore A Groove In The Kitchen Floor With Endless Trips To The Fridge, Hoping Against Hope That I Had Somehow Missed A Plateful Of Cold Sausages On The Previous 4,000 Excursions. Then, For No Obvious Reason, I Decided To Buy A Footstool.