It Scares Me. But Then I Get

With So Much Sky And So Much River, You Couldn't Help Seeing The Big Picture. It Was What You Already Knew, But Crowding Into The Subway Or Rushing To A Movie, You Only Saw It For A Second, And Close Up. Now I Took A Good Long Look. I'd Always Heard You Couldn't See Stars In Manhattan Because Of All The Lights. But Here They All Were. Here Was My Night In Shining Armor.

During Chemo, You're More Tired Than You've Ever Been. It's Like A Cloud Passing Over The Sun, And Suddenly You're Out. But You Also Find That You're Stronger Than You've Ever Been. You're Clear. Your Mortality Is At Optimal Distance, Not Up So Close That It Obscures Everything Else, But Close Enough To Give You Depth Perception. Previously, It Has Taken You Weeks, Months, Or Years To Discover The Meaning Of An Experience. Now It's Instantaneous.

You Have To Shrink Yourself To Fit Into This Little Life With Him.

He Gives Me A Kiss That Barely Touches My Lips – It Means Nothing Or Everything. After He’s Gone, I Think, Happy Birthday To Me. Jack Says, ‘that Was The Guy?’ ‘that Was Him.’ Jake Shakes His Head. ‘what?’ ‘he’s Not For You,’ He Says. I Say, ‘how Do You Know?’ But What I Mean Is, How Do You Know? ‘he’s Like Ashley Wilkes,’ He Says. ‘any One Of These Guys Is Rhett-ier Than He Is.’ Again, I Ask My Benignly Inflected, ‘how Do You Know?’ ‘how Do I Know?’ He Says, Tackling Me Into A Bear Hug. ‘how Do I Know? I Know, That’s How I Know.

Up Until That Moment, I'd Been At The Earliest Stage Of Love, When You Feel It Will Turn You Into The Better Person You Want To Be. Now, His Gentle Voice And Sage Advice Took Me To A Later Stage: I Felt I Needed To Pretend To Be A Better Person Than I Was So He'd Keep Loving Me. This Was Hard Because It Made Me Hate Him.