I'm Too Cynical To Be An Optimist.

The World Is Full Of Horrible Things.

I Try To Write Three Jokes Every Morning, Although I Don't Know What They Are. I Write Them As Fast As I Can, Then I Put Them Away For A Month. So I Couldn't Even Tell You What They Are, Or If They're Good. I Just Assume They Weren't.

I Feel Worthless. My Girlfriend Was Attacked On The Subway Yesterday. And I Can't Even Enjoy It.

Jeff Ross Has Been Roasting People Since Whitney Cummings Was Nothing But A Glint In The Eye Of The Man Who Raped Her Mother.

You Know How Everybody Has That One Weird Creepy Uncle? Well, Seth Green Looks Like He Got Raped By All Of Them.