I'm Not A Big Birthday Guy; I

I Think The Only Reason You Visit An Apple Store Is Because You Wonder What Life Is Like On Another Planet.

My Problem Has Always Been With Authority, And I'm Sure If Anybody Understands That, It's People In Uniform.

For A While, I Thought The Great Disappointment Of My Life Was That I Don't Have A Family Of My Own. Then It Dawned On Me: That's Not What I Think; That's What Married People Think.

I've Got Stuff About Airline Mergers, Which Just Shows That My Stand-up Is Getting More Insane By The Minute.

I Went To New Zealand This Year, And, Whew Man, I Know A Lot Of People Want To Go There. But Let Me Just Tell You, It's 22 Hours By Plane. So, If You Have The Opportunity, Don't.