I'm Actually About As Famous As A

If You're A Comic, You Don't Have A Rehearsal Room, You Rehearse On Stage. My Main Concern Is Remembering Everything.

You’re Not An Adult At All - You're Just A Tall Child Holding A Beer, Having Conversations You Don't Understand...

When I Was Young, All The Politicians Looked Like Ancient Latin Teachers Or Greengrocers. They Were Mumbly, Stumbly Men With Their Hair Blowing In Their Eyes, Walking Into Trees, Opening The Wrong Door. They Had No Idea How To Present Themselves.

Now I'm Not An Expert At Mathematics, But I Calculated It Would Take At Least Three Of Me To Take On One Third Of One Of Them, Even If They Were Attacking Me With Just Their Arse.

So Here Are Some Foolproof Recipes For Those Of You Who Understand The True Function Of Food. Bean Treat: Gingerly Pour Four Fluid Oz Of Beans Or Something Into A Jug. Cry. Eat The Beans From The Jug And Pour The Rest From The Can Down Your Throat. N.b. These Taste Better If They Belong To Somebody Else In Your House. Pain Au Dunk: Fists Of Bread, Rent From The Loaf And Dunked Into Anything Runnier Than Bread. Should Eat At Least Six Of These Because…you Should. Don’t Toast The Bread. Toast Is Cookery.