I'm A Comedian, And I Definitely See

I Wonder What Will Happen If I Put A Hand Cream On My Feet, Will They Get Confused And Start Clapping?

When We Were Growing Up Our Parents Somehow Made It Clear That Being Famous Was Good. And I Mistakenly Thought That If I Was Famous Then Everyone Would Love Me.

If You Want To Test Cosmetics, Why Do It On Some Poor Animal Who Hasn't Done Anything? They Should Use Prisoners Who Have Been Convicted Of Murder Or Rape Instead. So, Rather Than Seeing If Perfume Irritates A Bunny Rabbit's Eyes, They Should Throw It In Charles Manson's Eyes And Ask Him If It Hurts.

Golden Eagles Have An Interesting Way Of Mating, Where They Connect In The Air While Flying At Eighty Miles An Hour And Then They Start Dropping And They Don't Stop Dropping Until The Act Is Completed. So It's Not Uncommon That They Both Fall All The Way To The Ground, Hit The Ground And Both Of Them Die. That's How Committed They Are To This. I Thought To Myself, 'boy, Don't We Feel Like Wimps For Stopping To Answer The Phone.' I Don't Know About You, But If I'm One Of These Two Birds, You're Getting Close To The Ground... I Would Serioulsy Consider Fakin' It.

For Some Reason, We Can't Just Enjoy Somebody Else's Success. Somehow, That's Going To Affect Us. If They Have More, Then I Have Less - And I Don't Know Why.