I Can Do More Than Just Stand-up

I Once Overheard The Sweetest Old Woman Behind Me On A Train Tell Her Adorable Old Husband As He Scoffed Down A Ham Sandwich She Had Brought Along, "if You Ever Yell At Me To "stop Bringing A Ham Sandwich With Me Every Where We Go" Again? Next Time I'm Bringing A Gun. And I'm Blowing Your God Damn Head Off."

Video Games Don't Make People Go Nuts. I Played Super Mario Forever. Not Once Hopping On A Turtle Or Smash My Head Through A Brick Ceiling.

I Miss Dating Only For That Final Moment You Kiss Goodnight, Watch Her Get Out Of Your Car And Run Into The Police Station.

Are There Glass Shards In My Anus?!

When You Delete Pictures Of Your Ex Off Your Phone, It Feels Lighter.