If You Stepped Out Of The Shower

Real Love Amounts To Withholding The Truth, Even When You're Offered The Perfect Opportunity To Hurt Someone's Feelings.

But Instead I Am Applying For A Job As An Elf. Even Worse Than Applying Is The Very Real Possibility That I Will Not Be Hired, That I Couldn't Even Find Work As An Elf. That's When You Know You're A Failure.

In The Beginning, I Was Put Off By The Harshness Of German. Someone Would Order A Piece Of Cake, And It Sounded As If It Were An Actual Order, Like, "cut The Cake And Lie Facedown In That Ditch Between The Cobbler And The Little Girl."

I Meet People At Book Signings. My Record Now, For Signing, Is Ten And A Half Hours In One Sitting.

The Woman In Charge Of Costuming Assigned Us Our Outfits And Gave Us A Lecture On Keeping Things Clean. She Held Up A Calendar And Said, "ladies, You Know What This Is. Use It. I Have Scraped Enough Blood Out From The Crotches Of Elf Knickers To Last Me The Rest Of My Life. And Don't Tell Me, 'i Don't Wear Underpants, I'm A Dancer.' You're Not A Dancer. If You Were A Real Dancer You Wouldn't Be Here. You're An Elf And You're Going To Wear Panties Like An Elf.