If Someone Ever Says You’re Weird, Say

I Put A Basketball In Front Of George Clooney's Door And Sprayed It With Supermodel Perfume To Lure Him Out.

It's Such An Honor To Receive The Mark Twain Prize. To Get The Same Award That Has Been Given To People Like Bill Cosby, Tina Fey And Will Ferrell, It Really Makes Me Wonder… Why Didn't I Get This Sooner?

If You Want To Get Rid Of Stuff, You Can Always Do A Good Spring-cleaning. Or You Can Do What I Do. Move.

...to Be Honest, I'd Be The Last Person Who Should Be Doling Out Gardeinng Advice. I Don't Have The Patience For Growing Things. Yes, I Realize There's Nothing Quite As Satisfying As Eating Food That You've Pulled Up From The Ground And That's Why, At The Height Of The Planting Season, I Bury Cans Of Tomato Soup In My Backyard And Dig Them Up In Late Spring.

I Think Anybody Who Wants To Be President Has To Be A Politician, But I Would Like To Find Somebody Who's Coming From A Loving Place Instead Of A Political Place.