If Everyone Had A Dad Like Mine,

This Made No Sense To Me, Probably Because I Speak English And Have Never Had A Head Injury.

Lesson Learned? When People Say, "you Really, Really Must" Do Something, It Means You Don't Really Have To. No One Ever Says, "you Really, Really Must Deliver The Baby During Labor." When It's True, It Doesn't Need To Be Said.

I Grew Up In A Family Of Republicans. And When I Was 18 And Registering To Vote, My Mom’s Only Instruction Was ‘you Just Go In And Pull The Big Republican Lever.’ That’s My Welcome To Adulthood. She’s Like, ‘no, Don’t Even Read It. Just Pull The Republican Lever.

If You Want To Make An Audience Laugh, You Dress A Man Up Like An Old Lady And Push Her Down The Stairs. If You Want To Make Comedy Writers Laugh, You Push An Actual Old Lady Down The Stairs.

I Work, And Then Whenever I Have Any Other Time, I'm With My Daughter, And Then I Go To Sleep. I Think You Basically Have To Abandon The Dreams Of Having Any Other Adult Activities In Your Life. You Have To Go To Sleep Whenever Your Child Goes To Sleep. That's Basically How We're Doing It.