I Swear I Want To Be A

I Don't Really Consider Myself To Be A Comedian. I Mean, It's Not Like I'm Sitting Around Writing Jokes Or Anything. I Just Like Dressing Up And Pretending To Be Other People.

Don't Leave A Piece Of Jewelry At His House So You Can Go Back And Get It Later; He May Be With His Real Girlfriend.

I’ve Named Everything That I’ve Ever Owned. Real Or Inanimate, I Have To Give It A First And Last Name. Everything In My Apartment Comes Alive At Night.

My Mother Always Said 'don't Bother Other People.' I Think That's Good Advice.

When I Meet A New Person, Something Has To Be A Little Off For Me To Consider Them Beautiful. It Could Be Crooked Teeth, Or Veins In Their Skin That Are A Little Too Visible, Or A Really Dramatic Lazy Eye. The First Guy I Ever Kissed Had A Water Head.