I Like Coffee Because It Gives Me

I Can Pretty Much Guarantee That If I Do A Show In A Comedy Club, There Will Be Someone Who Will Come Out Of The Audience And Tell Me The Worst Joke Ever. It's Just A Guarantee.

It's A Privilege To Pay Taxes. Yeah! It's Not A Political Question, Folks. We Have To Pay For Stuff.

Some People Have Religion As A Means Of Solace. But, I Had A Dreidel, So That Was Out.

The People We Elect Aren't Bipartisan. The American Public Is Bipartisan.

We Don't Have Seasons Anymore. You Know Why? We Lost The Ozone Layer. Well, Put It On Milk Cartons - Let's Find It!