I Hate Religion. I Think It's A

I Know A Whole Generation Has Been Raised On The Notion Of Multiculturalism; That All Civilizations Are Just Different. No! Not Always. Sometimes Things Are Better! Rule Of Law Is Better Than Autocracy And Theocracy; Equality Of The Sexes, Better; Protection Of Minorities, Better; Free Speech, Better; Free Elections, Better; Free Appliances With Large Purchases, Better! Don't Get So Tolerant That You Tolerate Intolerance.

Attorney General John Ashcroft Is In Intensive Care. He's Suffering From A Severe Case Of Pancreatitis, Which They Can't Really Figure Out Because He's Not Really A Drinker. They Think He Might Have Picked Up Some Type Of Infection While Wiping His Ass With The Bill Of Rights.

People Sometimes Say How Standup Is So Hard, And I Always Tell Them That It's Hard At The Beginning.

False Hope Really Makes You Cynical.

We Learned This Week That Mitt Romney Is Building A Car Elevator In His House. An Elevator For Your Cars. I Get The Feeling This Guy Wants To Be President So He Has A Place To Live While He's Remodeling His Beach House. ... I'm Not Worried That This Guy Is Out Of Touch. I'm Worried He's Batman. I Could See Mitt As Batman. He Hears About A Robbery, He Changes Into The Magic Underwear, He Rushes To The Crime Scene, And He Helps The Crooks Manage Their New Money.