I Had To Take A Physical To

Comedy Clubs Have Brick Walls Behind The Performer. Bricks Make You Funny. When I'm In Front Of A Fireplace, I'm Hilarious.

I Sometimes Close My Eyes During A Show Because I Have Drawn A Picture Of An Audience Enjoying The Show More On The Back Of My Eyelids.

I Was Going To Get My Teeth Whitened, But I Said, "i'll Just Get A Tan Instead."

I Was In A Convenience Store, Reading A Magazine. The Clerk Told Me, "this Is Not A Library!" "ok! I Will Talk Louder, Then!"

I Find That A Duck's Opinion Of Me Is Influenced By Whether Or Not I Have Bread. A Duck Loves Bread, But He Does Not Have The Capability To Buy A Loaf. That's The Biggest Joke On The Duck Ever. If I Worked At A Convenience Store, And A Duck Came In And Stole A Loaf Of Bread, I Would Let Him Go. I'd Say, "come Back Tomorrow, Bring Your Friends!" When I Think Of A Duck's Friends, I Think Of Other Ducks. But He Could Have, Say, A Beaver In Tow.