I Guess 14% Plus Jesus Equals Victory

Comedians Dissect Jokes All The Time. Comedians Are Beautiful Structuralists. But Ultimately It's An Athletic Endeavor. You Have To Be Able To Just Hit The Backhand. You Can't Think About All The Pieces Of It. You Can't Think About Your Swing. You Just Have To Do It. Reading Someone Else's Deconstruction Of What I Do, All It Does Is Put Me In My Head. On Nights When The Show Goes Particularly Well, I Am Not Aware Of Its Fluidity. A Lot Of Nights I'm Just Worried That I'm Not Going To Be As Good As The Script In Front Of Me.

I've Long Been Against Illegal Aliens, Partly Because They Distract Us From An Even Bigger Threat: Real Aliens.

I Thought Black Friday Was When Everyone Puts On Blackface And Steals Children From Wal-mart.

I've Been Accused Of Being Unambitious, But What I Do Takes Up Every Minute. I'm Executive Producer, I'm A Writer And The Host.

Mentioning Jesus In Your Speech: Small Government. Doing What Jesus Asked: Big Government.