I Don't Own A Camera, So I

The Older You Get, The Better You Realize You Were.

I Don't Like The Phrase Shock Value. Surprise Is Essential In Comedy, And If People Are Shocked By What I Consider Merely Surprising, Then That's Their Shock. But There Is No Joke Without Surprise.

The Main Reason Santa Is So Jolly Is Because He Knows Where All The Bad Girls Live.

The Dividend I Get [from My Compulsion] Is The Freedom To Be Totally Disorderly In My Dreamworld.

I Don't Know How You Feel, But I'm Pretty Sick Of Church People. You Know What They Ought To Do With Churches? Tax Them. If Holy People Are So Interested In Politics, Government, And Public Policy, Let Them Pay The Price Of Admission Like Everybody Else. The Catholic Church Alone Could Wipe Out The National Debt If All You Did Was Tax Their Real Estate.