I Don't Look At The Tabloids. I

My Ideal Relaxation Is Working On Upholstry. I Spend Hours In Junk Shops Buying Furniture. I Do All The Upholstery Work Myself, And It's Like Therapy.

Stupid Internet. I Don't Know Why Everyone Is So Impressed With It.

I'm A Soccer Mom. I'm T-ball, Soccer, Karate, Homework, Keeping Them On Their Schedules. I Love Being The Snack Mom, When I Get To Bring The Cut Oranges. I Have One Of Those Coolers With Wheels. I'm At Every Game, Every Practice, Sitting On My Blanket. I Love It.

I Know My Mom Still Wears Lingerie And Jumps Out Of Closets To Scare My Dad. She's Always Joked That She Tries To Give Him A Heart Attack So She Can Get His Coin Collection. But Now She's Actually Worried That She Might Give Him A Heart Attack. And The Coin Collection May Not Exist, So She's Being Gentler On Him.

I Landed On Gay Pride And I Couldn't Believe My Eyes! Not Only Were Gay People Real - I Had Only Heard Rumours - But They Had Parades. There Were Men Covered In Glitter Bound Together With Furry Handcuffs. I Felt Like I Was In Outer Space, I Honestly Thought I Had Arrived At The Happiest Place On Earth.