I Don't Like Books, They're All Fact,

I Don't Know A Lot About Politics. I Like Talking About Human Behavior. Politicians Are Funny To Me Because They Often Say One Thing And Behave A Different Way.

If You Think You Can Lead Your Flock Of Sheeple And Peeps To Some Glorified Noodle Fest On The Mall, You Got Another Thing Coming, Mister.

Who's Britannica To Tell Me That The Panama Canal Was Built In 1914? If I Want To Say That It Was Built In 1941, That's My Right As An American.

There Hasn't Been A Scandal This Big At The C.i.a. Since (classified) Committed (censored) To (redacted).

Every Night On My Show, The Colbert Report, I Speak Straight From The Gut, Okay? I Give People The Truth, Unfiltered By Rational Argument. I Call It "the No Fact Zone.