I Didn't Become A Comedian To Work

Kiefer Sutherland Has Agreed To Serve 48 Days In Jail For His Dui Convictions. That's 245 Months In Jack Bauer Years.

... Some Of The Best Sex I Can Barely Remember.

I Was So Frivolous For So Many Years. It Was So Much Fun, But You Feel Guilty About The Brain Energy You Use To Think About Whether Some Celebrity Was Sleeping With Another Celebrity. The Conjecture That Goes Along With That. You Feel Like Your Mind Has Been Shot Apart.

Vomit And Feces Are Two Reason I Have Decided Not To Procreate.

But Then, Like George Michael In A Men's Bathroom, I Got Cocky.