Deep Frying A Twinkie Makes It Healthy,

Don't You Expect A Rainbow Coming Out Of The Tub Of Bacon Strips At The End Of The Buffet Line?

My Kids Are So Dramatically Different, But It's Not Like I Would Trade One In Or Like There's One I Would Pick Over The Other Ones. I Know That Sounds Like I'm Bullshitting. I Also Have Five Of Them So I Barely Know Them.

I Wish, In Some Ways, I Was The Type Of Comedian Who Could Do Something Blistering And Topical, But I'm The Guy Who Gets Stuck In The Revolving Door And Thinks I Should Write About That.

You Never Want To Be The Worst Bowler Of The Group-because Then Everyone Treats You Like You Have Cancer. "you Can Do It! We're Praying For You." The Advice Starts. "use A Heavier Ball." "keep Your Arm Straight." "you Should Get A Vasectomy." If You're Really Bad At Bowling Like Me, They'll Ask If Want The Bumpers Up. Not That Bowling Is That Complex Anyway. "you Want The Bumpers? We Can Get Rid Of The Pins. Why Don't You Take This Coloring Book And Sit In The Corner?"

I'm Not A Foodie; I'm An Eatie. I Don't Have Anything Against Foodies. I Just Don't Have The Time Or The Interest To Do That Much Research.