As A Comedian, I Think We All

Tea-baggers Love The Truth. They Just Hate Facts.

On The Show, I Do A Very Serious Thing. And A Lot Of People Have A Hard Time Reconciling That With What I'm Going To Do After The Show. They Can't Get It Into Their Heads: "how Can He Be Talking To Madeleine Albright One Minute And Then Somebody Half His Age...." They're Just Jealous. But I Never Made Any Bones About It. I Am A Player. Always Have Been.

We Are A Nation That Is Unenlightened Because Of Religion. I Do Believe That. I Think That Religion Stops People From Thinking. I Think It Justifies Crazies.

Russia Has Banned All Adoptions To Americans. So, If You Were Hoping To Get A Little White Kid With Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, You're Going To Have To Wait Until Lindsay Lohan Reproduces.

God Knows Life Sucks. It's Right There In The Bible. The Book Of Job Is All About Job Asking God To Take Away Pain And Misery. And God Says, "i Can't Take Away Pain And Misery Because Then No One Would Talk To Me."