Anyone Can Read The News To You.

‎you Cannot Correct An Old Person Every Time They Say Something Offensive. You Would Never Make It Through Thanksgiving Dinner!

Life Is Chaotic And Unpredictable. If A Butterfly Flaps Its Wings In One Part Of The World, It Could Cause People At The Opposite End Of The Globe To Watch A Discovery Channel Special On Butterflies

I Imagined Myself Living In New York In Some Sort Of Open, Large But Sparse Studio Apartment With A Lot Of Blond Wood And A Futon On The Floor And A Bubbling Samovar Of Tea In The Background And A Big Beard - Living Alone But With My Beard - And Doing Theater. That's What I Thought My Life Would Be.

I'm Not Going To Name Any Names, But Let's Just Say, I Want To Do Jokes On Donald Trump So Badly, And I Have No Venue. So Right Now, I'm Just Dry Trumping.

Sir, Pay No Attention To The People Who Say The Glass Is Half Empty, Because 32% Means It's 2/3 Empty. There's Still Some Liquid In That Glass Is My Point, But I Wouldn't Drink It. The Last Third Is Usually Backwash. (said To President Bush At The White House Correspondents Dinner)