Almost Anything Can Be Funny If Said

You Can Do The Same Thing With $20 Million That You Would Do With $50 Million. So At A Certain Point In Your Life And In Your Career, You Realise That It's Not About The Money.

The Racehorses Assemble At The Starting Barrier In All The Finery Of A Mediaeval Pageant, The Jockeys In Silks Like Figures From A Tarot Pack, The Bookies In Leather And Tweeds Standing Beside Their Boards Each Confident That The Future Has Been Controlled.

In My Divorce, I Stood Up And Said To My Ex-wife, 'hey, I Messed Up. This Had Nothing To Do With You. I Didn't Understand What Marriage Was. I Cheated. I Was Wrong. We Couldn't Fix It; It Got Worse. I Stepped Away Because I Didn't Want It To Get Any Worse. You're The Mother Of My Kids - I Don't Want To Hate You.'

Having Other Comedians Complimenting My Work Is The Biggest Accolade That I Can Get.

The Thing About Impressing Your Girlfriend Is That When You Do Something Like A Private Island In Fiji, It's All Downhill From That Point.