All This Health And Safety Talk Is

The Problem Is That Television Executives Have Got It Into Their Heads That If One Presenter On A Show Is A Blonde-haired, Blue-eyed Heterosexual Boy, The Other Must Be A Black Muslim Lesbian.

Does Anyone Really Imagine For A Moment That My Wife Gives Two Stuffs About Global Warming? She Certainly Did Not Appear To Be All That Bothered On Thursday Evening When, During The Great Carbon-saving Switch-off, I Ran Round The House Furiously Turning On Every Light, Hair Dryer, Dishwasher And Toaster.

Why Is The Forecast So Bland? Why Instead Of 'stormy' Don't They Just Say The Sea's 'a Frothing Maelstrom Of Terror And Hopelessness'?

It Was As Relaxing As Being Tickled.

I Like To Be Loved By My Children, And I Quite Like The Guardian Hating Me.