A Wise Friend Once Told Me, 'don't

The First Time I Went To See A Second City Show, I Was In Awe Of Everything. I Just Wanted To Touch The Same Stage That Gilda Radner Had Walked On. It Was Sacred Ground.

Photoshop Is Just Like Makeup. When It’s Done Well It Looks Great, And When It’s Overdone You Look Like A Crazy Asshole.

I Grew Up In A Family Of Republicans. And When I Was 18 And Registering To Vote, My Mom’s Only Instruction Was ‘you Just Go In And Pull The Big Republican Lever.’ That’s My Welcome To Adulthood. She’s Like, ‘no, Don’t Even Read It. Just Pull The Republican Lever.

I Don't Enjoy Any Kind Of Danger Or Volatility. I Don't Have That Kind Of 'i Love The Bad Guys' Thing. No, No Thank You. I Like Nice People.

The Comedy For The Democrats Is That They're Showing Off Too Much. They Need To Be Putting A Boring White Guy Out There To Kind Of Get A Hold Of Things. Once The Boring White Guy Is Out There, Then You Bust Out The Junior Senator From Illinois Who Smokes And Does Cocaine.